Iconic Figure Accused Of “Stolen Valor.”

Capn-Crunch-ROH We began to hear rumblings concerning this last week, but we waited for more information, hoping against hope the charges being leveled weren’t true.

Horatio Magellan Crunch, who goes by the name of “Cap’n Crunch,” wears a uniform of a Commander, and not the uniform of one who has obtained the rank of Captain.

As you can see in the graphic below, Captains wear four stripes on their sleeves, while Commanders wear only three. Sadly, images of “Cap’n Crunch” show his uniform to be bedecked with only three stripes – signifying the rank of Commander.

Even worse, according to the Wall Street Journal, there is no record of the Cap’n serving in the U.S. Navy.

The controversy deepened on Wednesday when the Pentagon said it had no record of a Cap’n Crunch ever serving in the U.S. Navy.

“We have no Cap’n Crunch in the personnel records – and we checked,” said Lt. Commander Chris Servello, director of the U.S. Navy’s news desk at the Pentagon. “We have notified NCIS and we’re looking into whether or not he’s impersonating a naval officer – and that’s a serious offense.”

The Navy’s repudiation is fueling speculation the Cap’n Crunch, who wears a Napoleon-style hat, may actually be French.

Oh my dear Lord.

If he were French, wouldn’t his name be “Capitaine Craquement?” Has he been deceiving us that much? Can we see his birth certificate? His DD214? For the love of all that is holy can we make sure the SS Guppy isn’t mothballed on soy milk?


The Cap’n has not been silent on this issue. Last week he issued several tweets on the controversy.

“All hearsay and misunderstandings!,” @realcapncrunch wrote.”I captain the S.S. Guppy with my crew – which makes an official Cap’n in any book!”

“Of course I’m a Cap’n!” he wrote to anguished supporters searching for answers. “It’s the Crunch – not the clothes – that make a man. #PaidMyDues”

And now, while the controversy still rages, the man himself, Cap’n Crunch held a press conference to address the situation. While he did not take questions from reporters, he did raise some very good points on his character and his uniform.

We hope this gets resolved quickly and the Cap’n returns to the Guppy and continues to sail on a sea of milk where he and his loyal crew belong.

Until then, stand tall Cap’n. Stand tall.

One Response to “Iconic Figure Accused Of “Stolen Valor.””

  1. Janelle says:

    That’s too funny!